


How To Make Your Girl Happy

by DiYunho



Category: DCU, Joker - Fandom, Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom, The Joker dcu - Fandom, joker DCU
Genre: Affection, Ambiguity, Ambiguous Relationships, Awkward Romance, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Feelings, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff without Plot, Fluffy Ending, Funny, Gotham City - Freeform, Hidden Meaning, Hilarious, Idiots in Love, Implied Relationships, Insecurity, Joker - Freeform, Joker Jokes, Joker dcu - Freeform, Jokes, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, Public Display of Affection, Relationship(s), Romantic Fluff, Silly, Suicide Squad, The Joker - Freeform, The Joker Jared Leto, The Joker Suicide Squad, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, king/queen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 07:10:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17844776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiYunho/pseuds/DiYunho
Summary: Once in awhile, the two of you like to go out at night without a special plan in mind and just do whatever you please. Just like tonight. It’s going to be so much fun! Right?…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A compilation of my "How to..." stories.
> 
> You can also follow me on Tumblr and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

You hold the broken gold chain in your hand, crying your eyes out while J kisses your other hand, trying to calm you down and drive straight in the same time:

“I’m gonna get you another one, Pumpkin, OK?”

“But you gave this to me for our two year anniversaarrryyyy,” you bawl, upset like never before, looking for a tissue in your purse. “Oh, look, baby, a grenade, “you suddenly stop your mourning, taking it out and showing it to him. “I didn’t even know I had it in here, you think it’s expired?” you wipe your tears, smiling like nothing happened.

“I don’t think they expire, doll,” he winks at you, working his charm on you.

Thank God she got distracted, Mister J thinks, pleased he avoided catastrophe. Must be that…time of the month because you always get really emotional; he really doesn’t want to deal with it but he has no choice.

“Oh, no!” you suddenly gasp, digging in your purse and your bottom lip quivers on the verge of crying again. “Jaaayyyy, I’m out of my gum,” you whimper, staring at him. “I want my gum!”

“Say no more, Daddy will take care of it!” he quickly agrees, really struggling to keep his cool. If he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?! He yanks at the steering wheel, going over the curve, hitting two trash cans in the process, almost killing a cat and a pigeon.

He sees the gas station and since it’s so late at night there are no customers. Perfect for what you need. The two of you rush inside with your guns out and the clerk freezes in fear when he recognizes the famous criminals.

“Don’t move or I’ll blow your brains out!” The Joker growls, taking the safety off his purple pistol while you go by the counter and start looking for your gum, and…

“Baaabbby, they don’t have strawberry flavor in the brand I like,” you whine, feeling another wave of imminent tears strolling down your cheeks.

“What?! Why don’t you have strawberry?!” J raises his voice, alarmed.

“W-we run out s-sir,” the clerk stutters, closing his eyes, thinking he’s going to die tonight. “We have strawberry in o-other brands…”

“I only like this brand!” you interrupt, snorting, wiping your nose with your sleeve while scratching your thigh with your gun.

Good gracious, she’s such a classy woman, your boyfriend thinks, suddenly aroused, really wanting to bite you all over.

“She only likes this brand!!!!” The Joker repeats, getting out of his trance, screaming at the poor guy that trembles like a leaf. “Why are you upsetting my girl, hm? Don’t you know you should have that stuff on hand all the time?”

“S-s-sorry s-sir…”

The Joker pulls the trigger, shooting the guy in his shoulder and he collapses to the ground on the other side of the counter, yelping in pain.

“You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, otherwise you’d be dead now!” J yells, mad as hell, taking your hand and fastly walking back to the car.

“Stop crying, Princess, we’ll get your gum!” he promises, starting to drive again. He feels so aggravated, but if he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?!

After a few miles he notices a small, lonely convenience store and slams the breaks, sharply turning so he can park.

You both run inside and he keeps the terrified owner at gunpoint while you look through their stash and let out a scream when you see what you need. You grab a paper bag and cram in all the strawberry flavored gum you see in the brand you like and grab one last package, wanting to open it when the date gets your attention.

“Jaaaayyyy, this is expired,” you complain, your quivering bottom lip making him lose it.

“Are you trying to kill my girl?!” he snaps at the man, outraged, mostly because he has to deal with you in this state after you leave the store.

“N-no, n-not at all, I-I don’t know how it happened,” the guy gulps, feeling he’s going to faint soon.

“They’re all expired, baaabyyy,” you frantically go through your bag, tossing each little package one after the other.

“Are you trying to kill your customers?! What kind of place is this? You should be reported to authorities! No, Doll, don’t!” J slaps your hand when you try to actually open the last package because you want your gum badly and it makes you more upset when you drop it. “Let’s go, Y/N, this damn city is trying to kill us tonight,” he pants, backing out and you hold on to his green shirt, following him outside like a lost puppy.

“Hold on, baby,” you sniffle and take the grenade out of your purse, heading back inside and tossing it towards the back of the store, shouting at the clerk:  
“This is for trying to kill people!” The explosion blows up the back wall and messes up half a store. You start laughing, suddenly happy, heading back to your car. “I don’t want gum anymore, can we drive to our spot?” you sweetly ask, kissing his shoulder as he starts driving again. You forgot to cry.

Shit, J thinks. Why? Because you usually go to your secret spot on top of the hill to have sex. Since you are…not able to for now, it only means one thing: you will want to cuddle and talk. Your boyfriend takes a deep breath, pretending he’s not panicking. But if he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?!

Once you get there, you crawl on the hood with him, placing yourself in between his legs so he can hold your waist from behind.

“Ahhh, this is so nice, isn’t it baby?” you giggle, putting your hands on top of his. The Joker is tense but doesn’t want to show it. He hates this kind of crap. “Wow, a falling star! Make a wish!” you get all excited, clapping and he sighs, bored. “Did you make a wish? What did you wish for?” you turn your head so you can see him.

“For Goddamm Gotham to have your stupid gum!” he grumbles, rolling his eyes.

“No way! Me too!” you get on your knees, turning so you can face him. “What were the odds, baby?” You smile so brightly his sassiness goes down a notch. “You really love me, don’t you?” you bite your lip and he feels his left eye twitching.

“Yeap,” his short answer comes and you don’t give up.

“How much?”

“Ummm, a decent amount I guess,” he growls, uncomfortable, wishing you would change the subject.

“Really?!” you kiss him, astounded. “This is one of the nicest things you ever said to me,” you get all teary and sentimental.

“I know,” he agrees, beginning to feel kind of nauseated. The things he has to go through to please you. But if he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?!

“Dadddyyyy,” you trace his Jester tattoo, batting your lashes at him.

Oh, hell no, The Joker thinks. You only call him Daddy in bed (which is not the case here) or when you want something he wouldn’t agree with, which is probably the case.

“Yes, Kitten?” he tilts his head, waiting to hear what else it’s going to come out of your mouth next.

“I think we should have a baby, or two or three, but at least two, yes?” you blur out, enthusiastic to the maximum and he starts getting flustered, not expecting such a twist.

“I don’t think so, Pumpkin,” The Joker utters with such a determination you start bawling instantly.

“Why, not, babbbyyy?” you wail, sobbing with your face on his neck like he’s been dead for three months or so. “You think I’m ugly?!”

His hands stop caressing your back because he’s trying to soothe you.

“I don’t think you’re ugly, I think you are a pretty Doll,” he debates, trying to sound as sincere as possible on this one. “You look decent, don’t worry,” he pets your hair and you wipe your tears, grinning at him. Man, he absolutely hates this crap. But if he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?!

“This is one of the nicest things you ever said to me, Jaaayyy,” you proudly state, swallowing the lump in your throat, feeling blessed your boyfriend likes you so much. “So let’s have kids then,” you switch to your original plan, hoping for a positive outcome.

“No…I really don’t want to…” he makes a comeback, stubborn and determined not to give in.

You gasp so loud it startles him:

“Are you…are you having an affair?”

“Wha’ ?! No, I’m not having an affair,” he immediately defends himself , irked you would think something like that.

“Oh my God, you’re cheating on me, aren’t you?” The crying starts again and you weep on his chest, soiling his favorite Versage shirt with tears and makeup. “Is she prettier, more decent looking than me? You wanna have kids with her and not with me?” you clench your fists on the fabric, heartbroken.

Dammit, why do you have to get like this every month? The Joker thinks, irritated.

“I’m not having an affair, OK?” he lifts your chin up so he can look you in the eyes. All that mascara over your face makes him cringe. “If you don’t stop crying I will really have an affair, got it? I mean it! Stop crying, NOW!!” he requests with a pissed voice and you gulp, suddenly holding your breath so you won’t make a sound because you don’t want him cheating. You feel you need air and he watches quite amused how you struggle to hold your breath, afraid to move. After a few good seconds you give up and start breathing again.

“I’m not crying anymore, all right? “you kiss him, and since you don’t have any tissue, you wipe your nose with your sleeve again and he gropes you, purring.

“I love classy girls, Doll, you’re so classy,” he charges at your cleavage, not being able to control himself anymore and not giving a damn about that mascara all over your cheeks.

You snicker, straddling his lap and just have to say it:

“Jaayyy, come on, let’s have a baby, or two or three, pleaseeee,” you pull his hair and scream when he bites your skin. “Unless you really think I’m ugly,” you bottom lip quivers once more, your happiness going downhill as fast as his enthusiasm for the subject. When he sees the tears rolling down your face he has to get it together with all he’s got in order to muster the words:

“Fine, we’ll have a baby,” he bitterly mumbles, distressed.

If he can’t keep his girl happy, then who will?!


	2. How To Be  A Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker has never been around a pregnant woman before. Actually… just once, during a robbery and the poor thing fainted even if he didn’t do anything to her. You thought J would be bored with the whole process, but all he says is that he wants to see her NOW. Well, it doesn’t really work that way and your boyfriend is not famous for his patience.

– At night, J likes to rest his head on your legs, face turned towards your huge bump.

“When is she coming out? I wanna see her!”

“Soon J, be patient.”

Joker and patience don’t go in the same sentence.

“But I wanna see her now, I’ve been waiting forever!”

“It’s happening soon enough.”

“Hey, Doll, do you think she already looks like me?”

“No, not yet.”

He pouts.

“Do you think she knows I’m her dad?”

“No, not yet J.”

He frowns.

“Do you think she has green hair?” he snickers, walking his fingers on your tummy.

“No, baby, no toxic green locks.”

“Do you think she has bright red hair?”

“No, I dye mine; if anything, Emma will have dark blonde hair, my natural color. Or maybe she’ll have your natural color. Is it brown or…?”

“No, it’s a dark blonde too,” the Joker blurs out and after a few seconds he gasps. “Did you just…did you just make me tell you another one of my secrets, woman?!”

“Nooo, I didn’t make you do anything,” you smirk, trying not to laugh, all innocent and sweet.

“You’re sneaky, Y/N, stop it!” he pinches your thigh, aggravated you took advantage of him being smitten with the unborn baby. “Oh my God!” J shouts when he notices the small hand moving right under your skin. “There she is!” he excitedly touches her, sensing the shift. “This is so cool- cooler than being chased by Batsy,” he admits, huffing. “Jerk!” The Joker mutters, then pays attention to you again. “Does it hurt when she does that?” (he asks this very often and the reply never changes).

“No, handsome, she’s just wiggling around. Anxious to get out, I’m sure. Have you ever been around a pregnant person before?”

“Once, during a bank robbery. I decided to do it in plain daylight and this lady was there. She fainted.”

“What did you do to her?” You try to reach him but can’t bend at all.

“Nothing, she just passed out when me and my men took over the place. There she is again!” he grins and one of Emma’s tiny feet stretches out pretty high this time. “Do you know what this reminds me of?”

“No, but please do share,” you sigh, curious to hear about another crazy idea for sure.

“Aliens movie! You think she might just burst out of there?” J pokes your bump, then caresses the skin to feel his daughter once more.

You start giggling, amused:

“I think we’re good on that one. She’ll come out the right way, no worries.”

“Oh, I forgot I got her something,” The Joker suddenly realizes and jumps out of bed.

“More stuff?!” you tease since the unborn has a room full of baby things.

“This is better than any of them,” J fumbles inside the closet and finally brings over the shiny diamond tiara he places on top of your tummy. “Here, a Princess should have one,” he excitedly brags and goes back to his favorite spot on your legs.

“Where did you get it from?!”

“Gotham’s Bank vault,” he winks, proud of his achievement and scoots closer so you can touch him since you look so pathetic when you keep on trying and fail.

“And I was thinking you bought it, baby,” you wrap a strand of his hair around your chubbier than usual finger.

“I did, just forgot to pay,” he mocks, making sure the sparkly crown stays in place.

And you both have a good laugh about it - your boyfriend can be so funny sometimes, even if he thinks he’s funny all the time.

The Joker closes his blue eyes and you brush your index finger against his long eyelashes.

“What is it, Pumpkin?” he yawns, opening one eye.

“Could you please bring me a sliced cucumber and chocolate syrup?”

“Yuck, I don’t know how you can eat that disgusting combo,” he shivers, grossed out by your choices in food lately.

“I’m craving a bunch of weird snacks, I can’t help it. Remember last month when all I wanted was apple sauce with radishes and cinnamon powder?”

“Ewww, yes. I guess this is an upgrade, Doll. Can’t you go in the kitchen and make your own plate? I’m tired.”

You point out towards your diamond decorated bump:

“I can’t move or this will fall.”

“Uggghhh, fine, I’ll be back,” J agrees, dragging his feet on the carpet because he’s not in the mood for too much except staring at your belly to see Emma move.

– He feels nauseated watching you munch on your repulsive late dinner. J would love to fall asleep but the damn cucumbers are so crunchy when you bite out of them.

“Are you done, Y/N? I wanna sleep.”

“Done, the last one!” you shove the slice in your mouth and lean over him to place the bowl on the nightstand.

“Jesus, Princess, how much do you weight??!!” J puffs under your heaviness, over exaggerating, of course.

You’re a delicate little flower that doesn’t need negative comments.

“Whatever!!!! This is your fault!” you give him a sassy gaze, pinning him under you for a few more seconds this way he learns his lesson.

He just can’t talk like that to delicate little flowers.

“ I didn’t do anything,” The Joker pulls you in for a kiss, purring. “Just had some fun with my girl, the rest… you’re responsible for!” he taunts, delighted you can’t do too much but squirm on top of him.

“You’re so…so…so,” you stutter, outraged, not being able to find the word.

“What is this?!” he puckers his lips, intrigued when he feels it.

You try to look down in between the two of you without success.

“I think my water broke!”

– “Pumpkin, are you gonna die?” he growls, checking you out worried sick; he’s been asking this every 5 minutes in the last six hours.

“For God’s sake, I’m not dying !! I’m giving birth!”, you shriek through your clenched teeth, breathing in and out in a frenzy.

“Are you sure?” J triple checks furthermore.

“Yes, I’m sure,” and you squeeze his hand so hard you hear a few bones crack.

“Auuuchhh, don’t break my hand!” he whines, taking a step back.

“Take your rings off!” you urge him, panting. “It makes it worse.”

He hurries and does it, dumping them in a cup on the table.

“Give me your hand!” you shout, feeling the strong contractions hit your body with paralyzing strength.

“Ummm, don’t break it, OK?” he hesitantly gives it back, hoping for the best.

Who knew such a delicate little flower as yourself can have so much vigor?!

“Where’s my daughter?” The Joker stretches his free arm to lift the sheet covering you from the waist down and regrets it in the next moment. He’s seen a lot of messed up shit in his life but this takes the cake.

“Pretty soon, Mister J,” the doctor replies, wishing the Clown Prince of Crime would just behave and wait.

“ Kitten,” J gulps, even more tense. “Are you sure you’re not dying?”

“I’m sure, stop asking!” you groan, resting your head on the pillow. “This is your fault!” you blame J again, annoyed and in so much pain you are seeing red spots.

Your boyfriend completely ignores your outburst, tilting over to peck your forehead.

“Hurry up, Princess, I need to see her!”

“So sorry about the inconvenience!!!” you scream, muttering something else under your labored breathing. It wasn’t a nice statement.

“Yuck, Doll, you’re all sweaty!” he complains, wiping his lips.

Huh??! ! Delicate little flowers don’t get sweaty!!!!

“J, you’re not helping!” you state the obvious and push again, exhausted and anxious in the same time. You crush his fingers so hard J thinks his arm fell off. He wants to object but the doctor finally articulates the words he’s been craving to hear for so long:

“Alright, here she is!” and the crying starts after a few seconds.

– First time The Joker held Emma, he forgot to breathe.

“She looks like a little doll,” he whispers, mesmerized on how cute she is. “How long do you think it will take before she resembles us?”

“A while,” you take a deep breath and blink slowly, so jaded you can hardly speak.

The little one fusses and he almost panics, not knowing what to do but she calms down when he gently rocks her.

“I think…I think she smiled at me!” J exclaims. You doubt it, but can’t spoil his joy:

Delicate little flowers don’t do such things to a man they love.

“That’s because she knows you’re her dad,” you utter, making it even better for the new father.

“Really?” he kisses her cheek with an almost childish curiosity. ”You think so Y/N?”

“Yeah, now that you have her in your arms, she knows,” you rub your face, fighting to stay awake.

The Joker feels so many emotions at once and has no clue how to handle any of them. He’s not the one to analyze himself but damn, it’s just so overwhelming his chest hurts. Can’t be a heart attack, he’s too young. 

He paces alongside your bed, careful not to wake the newborn.

“Hey, Pumpkin, when can we have sex again?” he bites his lip, eager to go back to fun stuff.

“It’s gonna be a while, baby. Not too much, ok?” you quickly add when notice how disappointed he is. “ I just basically squeezed a watermelon through a prune so give me some credit. Be patient, please.”

Joker and patience don’t go in the same sentence.

“Just hurry up and get better, I have needs!” he sulks but winks when he realizes you don’t look too excited at his yapping.

Ahhh, such a charmer.

But you can’t rush this process on delicate little flowers.

Even the King of Gotham needs to understand it.


	3. How To Make A Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Joker really wants a baby and doesn’t know how to approach the subject. Last time you two talked about it your answer was an unmistakable no and he doesn’t take that kind of negative attitude from anybody, including his girl. Or so he likes to believe…

You are reading a book in front of the fireplace, sitting on the soft rug and leaning your back against the couch. The Joker is resting in his favorite armchair, reading articles about How to make your girlfriend happy on his cell. He wants to convince you to have a baby with him and things have to go the right way because he is aware he can’t force you on this one. J reads the list again and decides to try the stuff he found, maybe it will work.

1\. Tell her you love her

He holds his phone with two fingers like it’s infected with some contagious virus, takes a deep breath and utters with emotionless voice:

“Pumpkin, I love you.” It sounded so cold, flatter than the flat green tea latte he orders from Starbucks all the time. He hates the taste but it’s green. Yeah, well… it makes sense to him.

“Awww, that’s nice J,” you mumble, not really paying attention. You always have to sift through what he says because he sure says a lot of things. Most of the times you just pretend to listen and find it easier to just go with the flow.

It didn’t seem you cared about his first effort and he passes his fingers through his hair, annoyed: “What a bunch of nonsense, who wrote this crap?! I should kill them,” he thinks to himself and notices there is/are no name(s) at the end of the article. Dammit, how is he supposed to punish the culprit if he doesn’t know who it is? That makes him even more irritated but decides to continue.

2\. Tell her she’s beautiful

For this one J believes he needs to change spots so he comes on the couch behind you and sits so you are trapped between his legs. He starts massaging your shoulders, his gold bracelets clinking in your ears.

“Ahhh, it feels nice,” you whisper, closing your eyes, enjoying the relaxing moment.

“You’re such a pretty doll, Princess,” he leans over and tells you, waiting for a reaction. You take his hand and kiss his laughing mouth tattoo, then keep it on your face, going back to reading. That worked better, he smiles, satisfied with the accomplishment so he continues:

“Do you remember when we first met? You annoyed me so much at the meeting I followed you to your car because I wanted to kill you.”

You snort at the memory and turn the page:” Oh, yeah, how could I forget?”

“…and then I saw you bending over to reach your glove compartment with that short skirt and I realized you had no underwear on.”

“Excuse me?! I did have underwear on,” you protest, looking up to him.

“That little string doesn’t count,” he smirks and you slap his knee.

“Does to! Plus, I totally busted you staring. Are you enjoying the view, Mister J? “ you recall the question, amused.

“Remember what I answered? I would like it even better from the top.” You both start laughing like crazy; it sure was one of the most daring pickup lines you ever heard but it worked.

“Such a charmer, baby,” you sigh, chuckling, turning your attention towards your reading again.

“I know,” he has to admit, grinning. “ I sure felt I have to ask if you would like to go on a heist together sometimes.”

“ I was impressed with your approach on asking for a date so I said yes,” you rest your head on his knee, closing your book for a few moments. “It sure was lucky you had a robbery planned for that night, I never had so much fun on a first date,” you have to admit and The Joker’s heart beats faster, happy to hear the confirmation of his awesomeness. Man I’m good! he believes without hesitation and takes a quick glance at his cell again.

3\. Buy her flowers

“Y/N, I got you flowers,” he boasts before he grasps the idea he didn’t get shit.

“Oh, did you? How sweet, I love flowers,” you admit, picking around to see where they are and it clicks for J: Fuck, I have none. “Ummm, I forgot them in my car, I’ll go get them,” he gets up and heads towards the elevator, not knowing how is going to pull this one off.

“Thank you, baby !“ he hears before the elevator’s door close. You move close to the fire, wondering why he’s behaving weird but you kind of like it.

On the way to the underground parking, he passes by Frost’s office and since he always has the door opened, J sees the huge bouquet of flowers on the coffee table, no doubt a gift for his girlfriend.

He shamelessly walks in, giving Jonny a mean look and growls:

“These are mine!” and yanks the bouquet away.

“Of course, sir,” Frost is fast in agreeing since he knows better than not to keep his mouth shut at his boss’s behavior.

************

“Here, for you Pumpkin,” J gives you the flowers, kissing you and you really feel excited.

“They look so beautiful, I’ll keep them by me for a while,” you determine with such a glowing smile it makes him intrigued: Why do women always like this stuff? It’s so stupid. He goes back to his spot behind you and starts playing with your hair. He thinks he got this so he begins talking:

“You know, Pumpkin, you’re only getting older and…”

“What?!” you snap, finally paying attention. “ You’re so rude!” you pout and move away from him, placing yourself on your tummy in front of the fireplace, slamming your book around before you calm down a bit. “You’re old!” you hiss at him over your shoulder and he deeply inhales, not understanding why the truth is upsetting you so much.

It’s finally time to glance at that list again because apparently going rogue on his own it’s not working too well.

4\. Show interest in what she likes

J crawls down by your side and imitates your position, staring you down.

“What are you reading, Doll?”

“A book about villains,” you reply, frowning, bouncing your legs up and down.

“Am I in there?” he asks, getting closer to you and places his chin on your forearm.

“Nope,” you shortly answer, sniffling.

“I should be,” he states with confidence, pretending to read what you are.

You lift your shoulders up and try to ignore him. He takes a quick pick at the phone again.

5\. Let her know you’re lucky to have her

“I’m the most important one around here but I guess you have your fair amount of usefulness,” he seductively mumbles, thinking it’s the best praise he came up with so far.

“Huh?” you get upset, turning towards him and watching his silver teeth shinning in the firewood light. “Shut up, J !” and you push him away, sulking.

What the hell?! I thought she will love this for sure.

“I guess what I’m trying to say, Princess, is that it’s OK having you around,” he corrects his earlier statement, hoping for a more positive outcome.

“Whatever,” you grumble while he slowly uses two fingers to walk down your back until he reaches your shorts.

6\. Cuddle up with her at home

The Joker gropes you and uses you as an anchor while really shoving himself into you. Your hair being yanked in the process doesn’t make you receptive to his tactic.

“Ouch, what are you doing?” you look at him again, suspicious. “Are you trying to tell me you wanna have sex or something? Because you don’t need all this, I always want you,” you bitterly admonish him by admitting to the truth. It flusters you how you can’t fully hate him, at least not for long periods of time.

“I’m just trying to get in your pants, literally. Why are they so hard to pull down?” J tries again and no luck, blowing a rebel strand of green hair off his face, irked because he usually doesn’t have trouble undressing you.

“Wow, that’s why you’ve been acting awkward?” you finally smile, contemplating if you should still be mad or not.

“I was acting…normal,” he grunts, fighting with your shorts and it makes you snicker at his struggle.

“Which means weird for you,” you are fast to point out. “So what’s going on?”

“Dammit, stupid shorts!” he slaps your butt and you lift yourself up a little bit so he can finally succeed in his mission. “Ohhhh, strings again,” he delightfully growls, biting his lip.

“You know I always wear this kind of stuff because it apparently saved my life,” you roll your eyes, feeling there’s more to this behavior of his. “Hey, my eyes are up here!” you lift his chin up from your cleavage, interrupting his fun. “Tell me what’s going on.”

He takes a deep breath and swears he’s going to get rid of you if you don’t agree with him:

“Pumpkin, we should really have a baby.” And now he waits.

You stare at him without blinking for a few long seconds and it makes him uncomfortable. He never feels uncomfortable.

“Are you…are you for reals?!” you furrow your eyebrows, gasping.

“Yeah, we should have a baby, I told you before I want one,” he grinds his teeth and you sure don’t seem thrilled.

“Really???!!!! I told you I’m pregnant when you were sitting on your stupid armchair, playing on your stupid phone with something stupid for sure! You didn’t seem to care!!” you raise your voice, mad again.

His mouth just opens, he surely didn’t hear that, concentrating too much on the article that was supposed to get you to the point of wanting to have a baby.

“Oh my God, Princess, I’m gonna be a dad?!” he blurs out, his blue eyes lighting up in a way you didn’t see before and it kind of lowers your defense.

“I hope you’re going to be a better dad because as I boyfriend…I don’t know…”

He is not paying attention again.

“The Joker is gonna be a father,” he whispers, absent minded and you have to make him focus again:

“Do you still want to get in my pants or what?”

*************************

“Hey Princess!” he shouts from his desk and you turn around in the same time with your 5 year daughter that’s playing on the ground with her toys: “Yes, Daddy?” she giggles and J starts laughing in his crazy way that would normally make people cringe. The two of you are so used to it you don’t even care.

“Come sit in Daddy’s lap, would you?” he gestures and you head over with Evie running in front of you wanting to be first one. She gets on his left knee and you sit on his right one.

“Which one of us, baby?” you pull on his hair, aggravated.

He smirks, gratified on how sneaky he can be:

“Does it matter? I got you both trained!”

“Did you hear that, Evie? Daddy got us trained. What do we do when Daddy is being a smart-ass, hmmm?” you kiss her forehead and she charges at his neck, screaming:

“We bite him!!!”

“Ahhh, good girl,” you snarl, watching The Joker squirm and snicker under attack while reaching for the book you set on his desk earlier.

“Did you have time to look at this?” you ask him while he has fun with Evie and he nods no, whimpering at the small teeth grazing his skin. “Here”, you open the book in the middle, showing him what you customized for him online. “ I got you a whole chapter in the villains book, wrote it myself. This way you don’t have to wait until you die like the others.”

His eyes get big and he grins, so pleased with what you did.

“Daddy, play with me!” Evie tugs on his shirt when she notices he is paying attention to something else. She starts bouncing in his lap, impatient and you get up.

“You did this for me, Doll?”

“Oh, yeah, because I really want to get in your pants tonight. Literally,” you whisper in his ear, biting his neck too.

*********************

You’ve been making out for 10 minutes now when he stops for a few seconds to unexpectedly say: “ I love you, Pumpkin” with that emotionless tone he uses when he’s at a loss of understanding his own complicated emotions.

“Aww, that’s nice, “ you snuggle more to him and he continues: “You’re such a beautiful doll, Princess.”

Something feels…strange.

“Y/N, I got you flowers,” he moans while pulling down your bra straps. It suddenly clicks for you and you get off him, panicked.

“Oh, no! No, no, definitely not!” you back out, heading for the door.

“What?” he pretends to be all innocent. “We should have another kid, look how cute Evie is.”

“Out of the question, you know I had a horrible pregnancy,” and you run out of the door when he stands up to follow you, fed up with your rebellion. You lock yourself in the bedroom that’s the furthest from your daughter’s room so you won’t wake her. The Joker comes and softly knocks on the door, amazed he’s not pissed yet:

“ Y/N, open up! What are you going to do? You’ll never sleep with me again?!”

You debate, thinking of all the fun you have all the time, that’s why you sound doubtful when you reply:

“Ummmmm…yeeeess….”

“Open the door, don’t make me mad! Daddy wants you! Or do I have to find myself another woman?” he bangs his head against the door, sighting.

“NO!!!” you kick the door from the other side, gulping. “That’s blackmail, J, it’s not fair!”

“This is what we do, Doll, you don’t like it when you are the lucky recipient?”

“NO!!!” you pout, kicking the door again. “I don’t like it!”

“Open up, yes? I want to get in your pants!” he tries the strategy and he hears you snicker. I didn’t lose my touch, he compliments his skills to his own self.

“I don’t have any pants on,” you crack the door open, hating yourself for wanting him so much.

He rests his head on the wood frame for a little bit before pushing his way in.

“Even better, makes it easier,” The Joker grins, slowly closing the door behind him.


End file.
